im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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