I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I deserve this hangover.
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