I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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