So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
