So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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