Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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