My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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