Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
