i think my tv is drunk
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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