Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
