Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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