Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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