Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
