my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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