im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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