Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.