my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless