Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Randomize
