You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
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Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again