a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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