This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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