thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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