You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
