At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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