i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
