Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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