when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
