Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
