Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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