I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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