I skipped work to stalk him.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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