Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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