Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
