We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
