I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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