I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
