I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
