Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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