I showed him my bush... on skype.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
