Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
