I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
