I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
