Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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