I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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