So drunk its hurt
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
