Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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