capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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