we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
