I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
