My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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