i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All I want is dick and wine.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
