I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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