So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
