He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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