evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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