after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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