im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
