So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
