Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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