My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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